Yelp Reviews

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”Yelp

– (customer) the waiter didn’t smile at me when she gave me food. one star.- (ian) shut up!!! (punk rock music) (silence) – guys, what’s going on?you didn’t see my sick ollie. – oh, we’re checking out our personal reviews on yelp. i got five stars ’cause people like my biceps. i don’t even work out, so… – i mean, i got five stars,but that’s only ’cause

everyone thinks i’m this girl named mary. – yeah, you look nothing like her. (chuckles) (whispering) that’s not mary.i have no idea who that is. – uh, what’s my rating? (ominous music) – oh my god.- what? guys, what? – we gotta go.- what-what is it? is it bad?- um, i’m really sorry. i-i can’t be seen around a "one star".

– one star?! what the–? guys, god– you gotta help me! help fix my rating. – there is… one way. – you gonna tell me or what? – oh, yeah, you gotta call a guy. – i’m world-renowned dirt bagcleaner-upper, max maxin. there are dirt bags all over the world and it’s my job to clean them up.

this is dirtbag impossible! – you must be the loser racist with the one star yelp review. – i’m not racist.- let’s get to it, you piece of– sh*t, i left my cookies in the oven! (extreme rock music) first issue, all your reviews say that you pee all over the toilet seat. – no, i don’t. – or do you? make no mistake, this is real footage of anthony

urinating all over the toilet. he even got some on the sink handle, the soap dispenser, and some assorted creams. he even splashed a little wee on the bathroom attendant. – that never happened. – oh, come on. even my dog is potty-trainedand he’s a little– you know, the little white doggies with the little– either way, you’re just full of–

shih tzu! that’s the breed of dog i own. how about we cut that? no, no, the real problem seems to be in here. – how? i-i keep the kitchen clean. i only eat healthy food.- or do you? (clock ticks) – (max) make no mistake, this is actual video footage of anthony eating out of the garbage. think of all the starving children in africa

that could’ve eaten that garbage. what a f*cking b-hole! – again, that’s not even me. – what are you talking about, you dirty old– country music… can you believe t. swift used to play that genre of music? i mean, the pop’s okay, but i think her real… now the biggest issue people had with you is you’re rude to people on the street.

– no, no, no. i help old ladies cross the street.i’m a good guy. – or are you? – fine, whatever, play your stupid fake footage. – roll the clip! make no mistake, this is actual video footage of anthony murdering an old woman. – (robotic voice) ha. ha. i am going to push you in front of the car, then you die.

(car honks) – (robotic voice) ha. ha. ha. – wait, play that flashback again. now pause. okay, now zoom in on the reflection on my character’s eyeball. (camera whirs) enhance. that’s you in the reflection! – no, it isn’t.

– okay, play the footage back again, and this time filter out all the foreground soundwaves. – (echoing) ha. ha. i’m max maxin and i’m gonna ruin anthony’s life with this fake footage of anthony pushing an old woman into the street. ha. ha. ha. – all right, fine! you caught me. – why would you do that?

– anthony, don’t listen to this guy. – yeah, we checked his yelp and he has a one star! – yeah, apparently he’sbeen peeing on people’s stuff and eating their garbage. – argh, and i would’ve gotten away with it if you weren’t for you meddling kids! – we’re not kids! -yeah, we’re old enough to buy alcohol. – and smoke crack!

– you know what? you guys can all kiss my big, british– asteroid!!! (all scream) (boom!) – frickin’ earth, always full of ass– hooooles! – (ian) hello, everybody, it’s max maxin here to say thank you for subscribing. click the video on the left to check out bloopers and this:

– my name’s anthony and when i pee in the toilet i miss it. – (ian) and click the video on the right to check out every halloween ever. – what are you?- a slutty nurse. what are you? – a slutty b. – what are you, shelby? – gandalf? – (ian) and if you have one of those fancy touchscreen devices,

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